I Am A Peacock
At the beginning of my journey I was required to go to the ever dreaded psych eval. All the worry of “Am I too crazy?” “Am I ‘too damaged’ to have this surgery?” constantly vibrating in my brain. As I sit in the waiting room the ever-present voices of “you’re not good enough”, “you’re never going to be able to successfully do this” weighing so heavy on my heart. I was 351 pounds of pure unhappiness. This was my last hope, my last-ditch effort to be something other than what I was. It all rides on this one visit, this one eval to determine if I am worthy enough to have the life I dreamed of. My name gets called and I head back to the small room, to discuss my failure in life and pray to the eval gods that I can advance to the next level.
I sit down and my life story starts pouring out of me. In my brain I’m screaming “SHUT UP!!!! DON’T SAY THAT!!!! DEAR GOD WOMAN, YOU’RE BLOWING IT!!” But I can’t stop. The cork has been pulled and there’s no putting it back in. I’m just spewing words like sludge. Toxic, soul wrenching, heart breaking words. I can’t take them back. They’re out there now, hanging like a black cloud of hate over my head. This is it. This is when they’re going to tell me, “thank you but you’re too crazy, have a nice day.” Any moment now I’m expecting the therapist to laugh me right out of her office. I take a deep breath, let it out and wait for the guillotine to fall.
My therapist looks at me, dead in the eye, and says ” WOW!! You’re a PEACOCK!” I sit there staring at her like she has grown a second head. I’m lost, pondering what the hell that means in terms of my crazy. So I ask the most intelligent question known to man…..”What?” She smiles, I KNEW it. Here it comes. She’s about to say I’m some flighty bird.
“You’re a PEACOCK! Peacocks eat toxic things like snakes and plants, and instead of it killing them it’s what makes them so beautiful and vibrant. So, Gail, you’re a peacock! You take all the toxic, nasty, dark, horrid things life throws at you and you turn it into something beautiful and vibrant”
Never in my life has anyone ever told me something so profound and strong. So lovely and kind. That was the day I became a PEACOCK. That was the day I decided NOTHING can stop me but me! That was the day I got my wings and flew for the first time!
I passed that psych eval. I found a love of therapy to help me navigate the toxic. I teach others how to fly, and together we’re going to turn the world into a beautiful place!